Small gators are largely vegetarian

April 1. By Dave Yochum. County officials say they will purchase infant alligators to eradicate clyngbya from Lake Norman.

The cost will be borne by the local government, thanks to a 3-2 vote. Critics questioned spending county monies on what amounts to a private lake surrounded by private homes.

“What’s good for lakefront property owners is good for Cornelius,” said Charles Wilson, great-grandson of Charles E. Wilson, who, while president of General Motors, coined a similar phrase.

Charles Wilson back in the day

The younger Wilson said it’s still true, in theory.

“What’s good for GM is good for the country; likewise lakefront property,” he said.

Commissioner Betty Cornelius, great-granddaughter of the founder of Cornelius, said both Wilsons are, or were (in the case of the late Wilson), “privileged potato-heads.”

Cornelius explained that the elder Wilson’s actual quote was: “What was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa.”

Some 1,000 infant alligators will be placed in the lake in May. They are 99.9

Betty Cornelius

percent vegetarian which means, mathematically speaking, only one won’t be. The cost is $10 per gator, or $10,000.

Board appointments

Two more construction advocates were appointed to the Cornelius History Commission: Justin Case and Slam Dunkley.

Group disbanded

The Cornelius Tree Commission was dis-chartered and permanently abated.

Group enlarged

The Task Force on Task Forces added three new members: Eileen Dover, Neal Down, Juan Mortoque and Hugh Mungus.

—This content approved by the NC Commission on April Fools Baloney (NCAFB)